Ethical Dilemmas of the Finite Variety (by Chidi Anagonye)
by esompthin
Summary: It started when Eleanor walked into ethics class twenty minutes late with a froyo and asked, "Is Thanos ethical?" - A report by Bad Janet


SOURCEFOLDER: THE_"GOOD"_PLACE

ARCHITECT: UNDISCLOSED

FILENAME: ATTEMPT#239

AUTHOR: BAD_JANET_WHO_ELSE_BICH_:P

TEXT:

These are the most basic file notes; compounded into the most exuberant, tedious, redundant, and disordered fashion; for your own displeasure. Have a shirty day in the Bad Place, loser.

It started on a Monday; the most torturous of human days.

And it started with Eleanor Shellstrop; the most torturous of humans.

This was a wonderful form of torture that [UNDISCLOSED] had no part of: humans are just incredibly annoying. They torture each other without fail. Here's a long, drawn-out example, since you're too dumb to figure this out yourself.

Eleanor sauntered into Chidi Anagonye's scheduled ethics lesson twenty minutes late with a froyo. Between mouthfuls, she interrupted him and asked, "Hey, Soup Man, is Thanos ethical?"

Chidi halted his benching and stuff for her tardiness, startled by the question. "Uh… Thanos?"

"Yeah, you know: potato head, yaoi hands, god complex-" Eleanor sat down next to the Hot One on the couch.

The Hot One said something like, "OH! I'm _**best friends**_ with that one bench from that movie by that director did you see it? I'm famous."

Oh, and Jason's there too. "Dude, you're friends with Gamora?! Ask her if the cats on her planet are fire-proof!"

"Whatever for?" The Hot One asked.

So Chidi forking interrupted this _fascinating_ conversation like a rude ask bench and was like, "I know who Thanos is, guys. Eleanor, please clarify your question."

Eleanor dropped her empty froyo cup on the floor and wiped her hands on her jeans, "Well, you said yesterday something about how you're good if you try to be. Thanos thought he was doing good. Was he?"

Chidi takes a second to let the question sink in.

Processing.

Processing..

Processing…

Processing..

Processed.

Rejected.

Chidi got a stomach ache like a baby, and everyone had to go home.

SIDENOTES:

\- Eleanor got smashed afterwards and tripped and fell on her dumb face

\- Hot One had uncontrollable sneezing and then cried cuz her hair was all snotty lmao

\- Jason got lost in his own monk tent like what

END_SIDENOTES

So, like, the whole next day or something, Eleanor walked in late a-forkin-gain to Chidi's lessons; which, you know what, are actually in her house, so this girl goes out of her way to be late. Respect. Just kidding, fork you.

And it turns out our boi Soup Man was up all night stressin over this dumbask question, right? So he has this pile full of notes and he's not here to play, benches.

"Eleanor, sit down."

"Oh, confidence, exciting."

"Today, we're going to be having an ethical debate about the subject proposed yesterday." He taps the whiteboard behind him. It says, 'Is Thanos Ethical?'.

Eleanor is totally thinking, 'You forked up' right now, but what can you do? She sits and listens as Chidi explains what a debate is, since Jason's confused. Once all that's settled, Chidi turns to the group as a whole and asked, "So? What do you think?"

"No," The Hot One says, "Of course not."

"Why." Chidi demanded, crossing his arms. He watched as Hot One blinked in surprise. She sputtered, "Wha-? Well, he killed people. And murder is morally wrong, so therefore, no. Thanos is _not_ ethical."

Chidi shook his head, talking hella fast, "Sure, but he was doing so to better the universe as a whole, trying to smother the issue of having finite resources within an overpopulated and ever-growing society. Is it the _right_ thing to do? No. But is it _ethical_? By pushing back the inevitable, he is giving the current generations time to figure out a long-term solution. Is it ethical?!"

"...Wot?"

Chidi huffed and turned to Jason, "What do you think? Was Thanos ethical?"

"No, man, he killed Spiderman and that's not cool." Jason said, still grieving the loss of his spider bro.

Useless.

Chidi turns to Eleanor, his hands shaking, "Is Thanos ethical?!"

"Dude, no, it was a joke." Eleanor said, a little scared. The guy was crazy, the question had broken his mind. He was a straight up mess, and it was _hilarious_. He basically just flopped over dead on the ground and everyone had to step over him to get out.

So, like, then he becomes a total recluse and it looks like [UNDISCLOSED] gets _worried_ for the guy. To the point when Eleanor figured out [UNDISCLOSED]'s plan and was all like, "omg we're in the bad place! :O", [UNDISCLOSED] was _relieved_, cuz then Chidi would be normal again.

Blah blah blah, Chidi hated all of it, Eleanor felt guilty af, [UNDISCLOSED] failed and restarted the world. Who gives a shirt.

The real torture is having to go through all this forking paperwork. Fork you, [UNDISCLOSED]. Eat my farts.

Bad Janet, out.

END_TEXT.

* * *

Tell me what you think, benches :p


End file.
